is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
