You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
