Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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