I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
