I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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