Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
