I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
