I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
