Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
