I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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