I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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