Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
