Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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