that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Im part way to drunk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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