arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
