hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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