I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
