My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
