i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
