I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
