I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
