Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
