He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
