this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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