there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
