hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
