and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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