dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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