mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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