I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
