Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
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