Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
