did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
