Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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