Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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