You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
