in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
