I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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