her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
