shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
