He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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