HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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