You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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