theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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