I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
