I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
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I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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