His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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