If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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