I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
