she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I didn't notice because vodka
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
