Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
