Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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