Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
