and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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