Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
