He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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