I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
