if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
